Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Indian Actors and ‘Apocalypto’

One of the visually-brilliant and most violent movies – ‘Apocalypto’. I watched it last week. The film essentially tracks Mayans (or Aztecs depending on whom you would want to believe) being captured and sacrificed by Mayans/Aztecs living in a different region so that they could satisfy their god Kulkulan. In the end however, as all movies end, the lead character ensures that all the villainous characters are killed and the hero and heroine live happily thereafter.

The lead character in the movie is enacted by Rudy Youngwood. For a novice, he was brilliant. But last heard, that different Indian actors were auditioned for this role before Rudy. Mel Gibson (who directed the movie) flew down to India visiting various states to finalize on the lead character – he deduced, albeit empirically, that since the Indian Economy was booming, if he hired an Indian Actor, there would be a ready market.

He wanted a dynamic actor, with a booming voice and a great body. An immortal line from the movie, and I quote ‘I am Jaguar Paw and this is my land. My father had hunted this forest before me and my sons will hunt it after me’. This was the line given as an audition test.

He started off with Bollywood.

Sunny Deol – Oyi, itni si baat!! Mein to Gaddar mein aur bhi shor macha ya tha. Audience meri aawaaz sunn ke, bhehere ho gaye the. Oyi Gibsonnnnn, sunn…’mein Jaguar Paw hu aur ye dharti meri hai. Mere baap ne ispe raaj kiya tha, aur mein jaane ke baad, mere bacche bhi raaj karenge….jo bole so nihal, sasriyakaal!!’

Mithun da – ye Mel….kuch disc visc lagaate hai na, kuch dhinchaak vinchaak rahega to apni public bhi khush ho jaayegi. I did lot of B-grade movies you know, where you know, I have shouted a lot you know. With me in your movie you know, you have a lot of market in Bhojpur you know. Now listen, I am Jaguar Paw, otherwise known as Disco Dancer. Ye meri dharti hai, kyun ki ispe maine disco dance kiya hai….mere baap bhi kiya tha aur mere bete bhi karenge’. But Mel, be sure to provide me a good wig you know, and a 20-year old girl as heroine you know – that chemistry should be there you know.

Mel Gibson was disappointed to say the least. He moved South.

Firstly, telugu actor, Balakrishna, fondly Baliah baabu – Balakrishna doesn’t waste time delivering his dialogue with meaningless banter, Shreya was waiting for him for a dance sequence. He jumps directly to dialogue delivery ‘vorey vorey vorey, ee seema naadi. Nenu toda kottanu ante, ee seema loni jantuvulanni naa kaallla daggaara vochi padtaayi. Ee seema paina maa naayana raktam kuripinchaadu, nenu poyina tarvata, naa pillalu raktam kuripistaaru’ – saying this, he rushed out and Mel almost fainted.

He decided to call it quits with Indian actors. Just then he had an idea. How about having dynamic Indian cricketers. He enquired about dynamic Indian cricketers with disgruntled fans – they suggested:

The first fool, otherwise known by the name Kris Srikanth – Mel Gibson met him, did not understand whether he was speaking in Tamil, Hindi or English. Kris enquired whether Mandira would be playing the lead role. Mel denied and Kris said he was not interested in the role.

The bigger fool, Sidhu – Mel Gibson met him over three big glasses of Lassi, and decided to hire him as a dialogue writer for a movie Mel decided to direct once he turned insane.

Last heard of Mel, he was enquiring about Indian actresses for the lead female role eventually played out by Dalia Fernandez. Mallika was the universal choice suggested by many. Mel asked her if she had any inhibitions about wearing Mayan clothes (typical to clothes worn by pygmies). Mallika immediately replied that she would not waste time even on wearing Mayan clothes and would get on the job without them too. Wisely, Mel decided against her.

He went back to Latin America. Found Rudy Youngwood and Dalia Fernandez from Mexico and the rest as they say is ‘history’

P.S – If you want to watch blood, forest landscapes and learn a bit about wrong history, do watch the movie. Just kidding. It is brilliantly done, although I would have loved our Indian actors in it. Then, I would have recommended it as a must-watch :)


Thomasanderson said...

1st off.. it IS the Mayan civilization.. not the Aztecs :).

2nd.. he is Rudy Youngblood..

3rd.. hilarious blog man!!!! I had a blast reading it :D.

Kiran said...

@ThomasAnderson - Well,
1st off - discrepancy my dear. Mayan culture never involved human sacrifices, only Aztecs did. The architecture depicted in the movie pertains more to Aztecs than Mayans. The only thing that tells me it is Mayan is 'Kulkulan'. So, that is a hotch-potch of cultures movie.

2nd..my apologies, it is indeed Rudy Youngblood.

3rd..Thank you very much, your encouragement is what keeps the blogger going :)

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It's Kukulkan not however u spelled it. And "Aztecs" or original name Mexica were the ones that made sacrifices taking out their hearts.

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