Sunday, June 24, 2007

Ladies, Women, Girls!! Uffff!!!

Statutory Warning: Feminists, please stop reading this blog right here. Further reading might cause feelings of extreme hatred leading to various forms of obnoxious behavior - especially breaking off into Dharmendra's dialogue "Main tera khoon pee jayoonga, haddi pasli ek kar doonga”; please spare the effort and close the window right away.

First things first, I am not a MCP - kindly take that thought out. In fact, I respect and adore the fairer sex to the extent possible and firmly demand that they should be treated as equals and blah and blah. This blog is just an observation on their wonderful and graceful demeanor and antics - in fact, I am so overwhelmed writing this blog that right now if a lady was in front of me, I would shoot her (obviously with my camera, silly ;))!!

The rough estimate of different types of antics by women is infinity. However, to save blogspot and hence google, I shall restrict them to a measly number. Read on and you would know how LOGICAL their antics are -

Shopping: Another synonym for Ladies; invented by man for his basic needs and utilities, abused by women for everything else!
One of my cousins is a shop-freak (and by corollary, deduction being she is a girl). She shops for everything and anything. She has a huge wardrobe - with different types and varieties of clothes. Last heard, her Excel ran out of the standard number of rows and columns to handle her wardrobe - she was migrating to SAS. Just can't understand - shop for x (x generally > 3) hrs and buy one dress; shop for x hrs and buy something you already have; shop for x hrs and buy
something you would never need; last but not the least, shop for something because it would be useful in the future - approximation of future being tomorrow or 10 years later!!

Statements: Slowly entering the dangerous arena!!

'You won't understand!' Boyyyy! One of the most dangerous statements and when this one comes out of a woman's mouth, you better shut down your work and plead her to make you understand (you would never understand anyway, but atleast put up an act!! if you don't, well...the less said the better!!) An ominous utterance - ignorance to the same is fatal. Implore her and find out what is wrong, else hmmmm!!

'Never mind, It's Ok!' - It is NOT OK and you bloody well get down on your knees and explain why and how things went wrong with her. Ranks high up on the list of menacing expressions which essentially means that you (you as in you and me, the guys) have to cajole her, take her out for dinner, probably discuss some women-oriented movie and how women should be empowered - then, then maybe just maybe she would become normal again.

Questions: THE MOST dangerous area of all!!

'Ms. Y was looking beautiful in that black gown, no?' - Now the answer should entirely depend on the age of Ms. Y. Little toddler/teenager or a woman over the age of 40 - rattle all the best and positive statements you ever knew. Start off with 'Completely agree with you. She was looking so graceful and pretty etc etc'. If she is in her mid 20s, YOU DO NOT HAVE a correct answer for that question. Try faking a panic attack in your right ear - ear-splitting pain and
you are not in a situation to hear what she was saying. Try asking her whether she can just let you cool off till the ear comes back to normal state. If the question is asked again, Repeat the procedure prescribed above, probably with a different organ.

'How is my dress?' - She is actually asking you whether you went weak in your knees after you saw her in that dress; That is not a question, IT is a statement and you better answer it in one of these ways 'The dress is very nice, suits you very well' or 'You suited the dress than the other way round' etc etc. NEVER EVER answer in a negative tone - it will only be answered by a shrug, a demeaning look and a 'You won't understand'!! :)

'Do I look fat?' - The dreaded statement of all, dreaded by men all over the world, scarier than Darth Vader or Veerappan - nothing can go right when this question is asked, just resign to yourself that it is a bad day. Don't even try a wacko 'Where?' - she would write you off as the dumbest human being on planet Earth. Try diverting her attention to something else and avoid answering the question. A 'Yes' would lead to a certain murder and a 'No' would make her wonder whether you were blind. I have worked out different ways of answering this question (Warning: Does not work 95% of the time, I just utter a few words under my breath and take it as a bad day) 'You look beautiful anyway', 'The dress is sooo pretty, you have a wonderful taste' with very very limited success results.

See, it is sooo simple to understand women - wonder what all my wisdom personified ancestors were thinking when they said 'You can never understand women!'

Uh! 'They won't understand!!' :)

P.S - With all due respects to the fairer sex who have read till this line (which essentially is the end of this blog) - a big thank you. This blog was not meant to disparage or make fun of your antics. It was just an appreciation of your wonderful, yet profound thought process. We just can't live without you (under my breath, neither can we live with you!!)

1 comment:

Thomasanderson said...

OH my gawdd!!!! That was frigging hilarious!!! =)).. Awesome work man!!! :D