Keep 'Marriageable' off your radar!!

40000. Yes, 40000. No, I am not mentioning any salary figure – those were the number of marriages conducted on a single day around a week back in one particular state in India. 40000!! I mean whatttt!! Mind-boggling is not the word. However, number of marriages on a particular day is not the subject matter of this blog.

The statements made pre-marriage (just before and after engagement but before marriage) and post-marriage (till 6 months after marriage) is!!
Over the years, I have learnt quite a few pearls of wisdom dealing with ‘marriageable’ (pre and post) people - and I felt it would make immense sense to share these with my dearest blog readers.

1) I met this friend of mine (a girl) at a multiplex. She came along with some guy I didn't recognise (a first-time meet). After exchanging the usual pleasantries of ‘Hi’s and ‘How are you’s, she moved in for the kill.

She: So, this is my fiancée Amit.
Me: Hey Amit! Nice to meet you!
She: So….
Me: So… (still didn’t get the clue, I was waiting for her to start/end some topic)
She: So….(desperately rolling her eyes, screaming silently)
Ah…I pick the clue, albeit a trifle too late!
Me: Hey!! Both of you look lovely to-gether. You make a great pair.
She: Ah!! (smiling with vanity) That’s nothing. But anyways Thank you Thank you.

That was it. I had to push off before the next ‘So…’ :)

2) I still can’t fathom why people getting married (and immediately after marriage) state the obvious ever so often. Am still amazed. Few examples to substantiate.

a) He/She: We are both so happy being to-gether. He/She makes me so happy, we are perennially on a laugh riot. So comfy with each other you know.
Me: Oh..that’s great!! (To myself: if you weren’t happy/comfy to-gether then you would have got divorced or not got engaged at all – you silly!!)

b) He/She: So many things change post marriage you know. I thought that I would never change for that one person coming into my life. I am glad I was proved wrong.
Me: Ha ha ha! (To myself: Why the laugh, I have no idea! They just expect this reaction. Probably I was just laughing at his/her foolishness of feeling vain in proving themselves wrong. How stupid! Ha ha ha!)

c) He/She: It is like we were made for each other. Both of us were like ‘Why didn’t we meet each other before?’ types. It’s so much fun you know!
Me: Ha ha ha! That’s very interesting! (To myself: What’s interesting…Don’t ask! And No, I don’t know. And why didn’t you meet each other before – that is because you had to hammer(bore) me with this statement and many more statements to come. That’s why!)

3) Also, I still can’t understand why they don’t get literal and state the obvious in certain situations – say like what happened during honeymoon? Why? No clue. Probably it was too boring, and that is why they don’t want to share it. However, I am all ears to hear this OBVIOUS part, although it’s boring – all my time, all my ears to it…No, Seriously :)!!

4) Never ever enter these ‘marriageable’ people home(whether they be friends/relatives, anyone for that matter). They will either kill you by

- Showing you different types of dresses/jewellery/why they chose one wedding card over another/food items for marriage (in pre-marriage scenario) or
- Submerge you with reams and reams of wedding photographs with ‘So…how is this photograph? The lighting was not proper, no?’, ‘So…how are we looking in this photograph?’(post-marriage scenario)

You get what I mean. So…AVOID by all means.

5) One common, most common statement I have heard (and got terribly bored over the years)

He/She: You know why there are so many rituals, functions during marriage…mannn, it’s so tiring.
Me: Ya! (And before I finish my short yet sweet syllable)
He/She: And that is why I guess divorce rates are much lower in India. Who in their right mind would want to go through all the trouble (all functions/rituals) all over again. Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha (If I don’t cut him/her off, they would continue the saddd joke and their laughter to infinity)
Me: Yes, Yes..completely agree…the customary laugh…Ha, ha and a ha…So, when you knew that there were so many rituals/functions, why didn’t you opt for a register marriage…so easy and simple, you know...and by your logic, you can get married again and again (A wisecrack indeed…or so I thought)
He/She: A wry smile (didn’t know what to say; they somehow seem to change the entire marriage topic after that statement…still wondering why! ;))

Those were a few of my encounters with ‘marriageable’ people. I know it is a never-ending topic, but then I am not yet in the ‘marriageable’ category (if you get the drift ;)). Not just yet. And if you thought that knowing all the above, I would not be making such stupid/foolish statements and not state the obvious when my time comes – you are very wrong. I am a firm believer in compound interest and I shall have my REVENGE (if you know what I mean, Beware!!) :))

Rant!!!

- Why does everyone nowadays think that he/she is a born photographer? Everybody's hobby/passion/expertise seems to be photography. Is it because of the pervasiveness and cost-effectiveness of the digital camera or something else? I am tired of looking through hordes of poor digital photographs - seemingly thought of by my photographer friends/acquaintances as 'some of their better pics'!!! Is it because people force themselves to be recognised/appreciated through this skill (did I say skill??) - something they can showcase to the world because they cannot/don't have the courage to showcase themselves?? Why doesn't someone ban these digital cameras to avoid all this trouble?? [Probability says that if you have clicked a 1000 pics, then atleast 5 pics would be 'better pics'. So please people, don't get under the impression that you are the next big thing in photography. And yes, if you have done courses in photography, please keep them to yourselves - DO NOT try to impress them or your
photographs upon me]

- Why does every tamilian's sentence have to end with a 'da' or 'ye' or a 'macchii'?? Tamil is such a beautiful language, kindly use its vocabulary people!!

- Why do some people always live in the past? Is it because they are too scared to face/live in the present or do they take pride/pleasure living in the past?

- People nowadays take extreme pleasure in exhibiting self-centric/egotist behavior and they are proud of it. Never can understand why - to quote Albert Einstein 'A life directed chiefly toward the fulfillment of personal desires will sooner or later always lead to bitter disappointment'. The same population exhibiting such behavior know about this and yet continue to do the same - ????

- What is this fascination for Rajni's style or Hritik's biceps, Vidya Balan's eyes or Katrina's smile?? Appreciating perfection - I do not think so! Idolism - No way. Why??

- Expecting people to talk to you and shower affection when you want it and not returning the favor when people are in need of it - what should I call this behavior? Nonsensical, to say the least.

- Can someone convince of the necessity for daylight savings time? No one seems to be able give me a logical answer.

- The whole world cannot laugh/cry with you when you want to laugh/cry. Blaming the world being insensitive because it doesn't empathise with you/understand you is stupidity if not foolish.

- Last but not the least, kindly do not expect me to comment on how smart/pretty/handsome/beautiful you are looking whenever you change the orkut profile pic!! Please don't - if the pic can be commented on, I will - good, bad or the ugly!!!

Ladies, Women, Girls!! Uffff!!!

Statutory Warning: Feminists, please stop reading this blog right here. Further reading might cause feelings of extreme hatred leading to various forms of obnoxious behavior - especially breaking off into Dharmendra's dialogue "Main tera khoon pee jayoonga, haddi pasli ek kar doonga”; please spare the effort and close the window right away.

First things first, I am not a MCP - kindly take that thought out. In fact, I respect and adore the fairer sex to the extent possible and firmly demand that they should be treated as equals and blah and blah. This blog is just an observation on their wonderful and graceful demeanor and antics - in fact, I am so overwhelmed writing this blog that right now if a lady was in front of me, I would shoot her (obviously with my camera, silly ;))!!

The rough estimate of different types of antics by women is infinity. However, to save blogspot and hence google, I shall restrict them to a measly number. Read on and you would know how LOGICAL their antics are -

Shopping: Another synonym for Ladies; invented by man for his basic needs and utilities, abused by women for everything else!
One of my cousins is a shop-freak (and by corollary, deduction being she is a girl). She shops for everything and anything. She has a huge wardrobe - with different types and varieties of clothes. Last heard, her Excel ran out of the standard number of rows and columns to handle her wardrobe - she was migrating to SAS. Just can't understand - shop for x (x generally > 3) hrs and buy one dress; shop for x hrs and buy something you already have; shop for x hrs and buy
something you would never need; last but not the least, shop for something because it would be useful in the future - approximation of future being tomorrow or 10 years later!!

Statements: Slowly entering the dangerous arena!!

'You won't understand!' Boyyyy! One of the most dangerous statements and when this one comes out of a woman's mouth, you better shut down your work and plead her to make you understand (you would never understand anyway, but atleast put up an act!! if you don't, well...the less said the better!!) An ominous utterance - ignorance to the same is fatal. Implore her and find out what is wrong, else hmmmm!!

'Never mind, It's Ok!' - It is NOT OK and you bloody well get down on your knees and explain why and how things went wrong with her. Ranks high up on the list of menacing expressions which essentially means that you (you as in you and me, the guys) have to cajole her, take her out for dinner, probably discuss some women-oriented movie and how women should be empowered - then, then maybe just maybe she would become normal again.

Questions: THE MOST dangerous area of all!!

'Ms. Y was looking beautiful in that black gown, no?' - Now the answer should entirely depend on the age of Ms. Y. Little toddler/teenager or a woman over the age of 40 - rattle all the best and positive statements you ever knew. Start off with 'Completely agree with you. She was looking so graceful and pretty etc etc'. If she is in her mid 20s, YOU DO NOT HAVE a correct answer for that question. Try faking a panic attack in your right ear - ear-splitting pain and
you are not in a situation to hear what she was saying. Try asking her whether she can just let you cool off till the ear comes back to normal state. If the question is asked again, Repeat the procedure prescribed above, probably with a different organ.

'How is my dress?' - She is actually asking you whether you went weak in your knees after you saw her in that dress; That is not a question, IT is a statement and you better answer it in one of these ways 'The dress is very nice, suits you very well' or 'You suited the dress than the other way round' etc etc. NEVER EVER answer in a negative tone - it will only be answered by a shrug, a demeaning look and a 'You won't understand'!! :)

'Do I look fat?' - The dreaded statement of all, dreaded by men all over the world, scarier than Darth Vader or Veerappan - nothing can go right when this question is asked, just resign to yourself that it is a bad day. Don't even try a wacko 'Where?' - she would write you off as the dumbest human being on planet Earth. Try diverting her attention to something else and avoid answering the question. A 'Yes' would lead to a certain murder and a 'No' would make her wonder whether you were blind. I have worked out different ways of answering this question (Warning: Does not work 95% of the time, I just utter a few words under my breath and take it as a bad day) 'You look beautiful anyway', 'The dress is sooo pretty, you have a wonderful taste' with very very limited success results.

See, it is sooo simple to understand women - wonder what all my wisdom personified ancestors were thinking when they said 'You can never understand women!'

Uh! 'They won't understand!!' :)

P.S - With all due respects to the fairer sex who have read till this line (which essentially is the end of this blog) - a big thank you. This blog was not meant to disparage or make fun of your antics. It was just an appreciation of your wonderful, yet profound thought process. We just can't live without you (under my breath, neither can we live with you!!)